If It’s Wet and Not Yours, Don’t Touch It: Teaching Kids Self-Control | Parenting Mantras

0:00 What's your mantra? Practical parenting wisdom, humor, and purpose for an extraordinary family life. Welcome to Living by the Mantras, the parenting podcast where short, sticky sayings help values actually land at home. Each episode shares common sense wisdom, heartfelt stories, and real talk for moms and dads who want less yelling, more intention, and kids who remember what matters. You'll get practical tools for toddlers through teens. Progress over perfection. I can't yet. Humor when the day gets loud. And mantras you can say out loud at the dinner table.

0:40 Hosted by Colleen Souza, mom of three, former teacher and author of Living by the Mantras. Common sense wisdom for an extraordinary life. Whether you're guiding little ones, navigating the teen years, or just trying to get through another Monday with your family intact. You'll leave with inspiration, grounded guidance, and takeaways you can use today. Wouldn't it be wonderful to walk through each day with mindsets that help create the most incredible version of ourselves? Wouldn't it be brilliant to have a sense of humor wrapped around the way we approach our lives? Wouldn't it be great to lead an extraordinary life and lead others to one? If these words ring true, then I encourage you to read the book Living by the Mantras. Common sense wisdom for an extraordinary life.

1:30 Mantras are sayings, quotes, affirmations, or verses that are repetitive and they represent express and validate. They give insight to basic core values that create the best in an individual. They express important ideas in ways that we easily remember. They remind us to make good choices, overcome obstacles, show respect, have integrity. Share generously. And so much more. Living by the Mantras is for anyone who wants to lead better at home, at work, and in the community. The book is full of lessons that are timeless and urgently relevant.

2:12 It's truth bombs wrapped in humor, delivered with the warmth of your best friend and the clarity of your toughest mentor. Get a copy of Living by the Mantras at Amazon.com or wherever books are sold. If it's wet and it's not yours, don't touch it. Today we're going to talk about self-control. Welcome to our podcast with Amanda Mantras. I am your host, Colleen Souza, here with my fabulous cohost. Bryan Souza, and you know what? We love you guys for being here. Thank you so much. We're so glad you're here. And this is a mantra in our book that is super, super funny. Everyone laughs at it. If it's wet, not tonight.

2:52 Your arms don't touch it. But it was very easy for our children to remember. And it left a visual. It does. It's easy to leave a visual. Those are phrases kids remember easily, right? Yeah, absolutely. Leaves a vision in your mind. And it was about self-control because self-control is our ability to manage our impulses and our emotions, our behaviors. When kids are young, the younger they are, the less they have impulse control. You know, a baby will scream and cry when the first thing is uncomfortable. As we grow older, we begin to place in, we have go into place those different mechanisms and understandings that we have to be. Thoughtful about how we react and how we deal with the world around us.

3:33 Super, super important. And so today we're going to talk about five particular things that help create a home environment that is conducive to self-control. We're going to talk about trust, motivation, practice, role modeling, and what I call the if-thens. So we're going to go through those five things. Here we go. The first is this whole episode is really about building a home environment of confidence and trust and peacefulness and self-control. And so that very first one is building trust. How do we teach this to our children? A child who feels safe, a child who feels peaceful, is more likely to tell the truth.

4:19 Recognize something is good or bad. OK, the ones that are nervous and jumping up. I'm talking about children. Hello, think of adults. You know a person who is at peace and adult who is at peace and employee who is at peace. Anybody that you know that you work with that is at peace tends to just be a little calmer and it seems like every decision they make just seems to to be more thoughtful. It's just so very true with our children. So we need to create an environment where our kids feel safe and there is trust. Yeah, trust is built on small promises. Yeah. And so the big question we've got to ask ourselves as parents is, are we keeping our promises?

5:01 Keeping our word. We're saying we're going to do something. Do we talk about, hey, if you take care of this, I'll do that. And we make promises to our kids all the time, and we don't realize we're just kind of saying it out loud. Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes just because, you know, they drive you nuts or they're begging for something, they're bugging you for something, you'll go, yeah, we'll do that. We'll do that after dinner. Yeah. To you, that was a dismissive comment to try to calm the situation. To them, they're like, count the minutes till dinner's over. Dinner's over. Mom said we were going to do this. Mom said this. I heard her. And when you don't do it, you didn't mean to be unkind, but to them, whatever you say you're going to do builds trust. So it's super important that you're not too impulsive with those kinds of comments because they're going to be paying attention to that.

5:45 And then the other is that routines, predictability, that builds trust. Okay, now I am the queen of having to build routines around my world because I can be very, um, scattery. Can I be scattery, honey? Well, you know what, most of our routines are habits. I know, well, but like, I love to, when I was a classroom teacher, I love to make different, you know, like kids walk into a particular classroom. They walk another English class or history class or math class. They know exactly what to expect from that teacher. You know the things on the board. Yeah, the things you write on the board and all that. And I annoyed the crud out of my students.

6:25 I think I was this homeroom English history teacher and some days I would write on the board. What we were going to do? What was our exact agenda? What's going on? Other days I would write on the board intentionally because I wanted to control the day differently or I wanted to watch the reaction of particular students, but it was a big science experiment. But the bottom line is routines are important and for our families, for environments where we want to build trust, if people have some predictability in what's going on, even though you can have some sway there. It's important. So they have to trust you're going to keep your word. They have to have trust that they know what comes next, okay? The other thing is when we make mistakes, we repair them.

7:11 Well, parents never make mistakes, right? Parents make tons of mistakes. Never. Of course we do. All the time, every single day. And the key to making those mistakes is acknowledging that you did. You know, you're not perfect. You didn't walk on water. At the end of the day, they need to know that you're a human being, and you own your mistake. You apologize for your mistake, and then you make it right. But so many times parents don't do that. How come? How come parents don't do that? Why don't parents do that? A little bit of ego, and who briskets in the way? I think we are afraid. Maybe we didn't have it modeled to us. And that's the bottom line. Sometimes you have to put put behind or put away what what maybe you had modeled to you, but the bottom line is it's OK.

7:58 You're not going to weaken your place with your child if they know you're human. There's so many ways to take leadership with our children, but one way to bring into your family environment an attitude of trust and peacefulness is to be human. You know one of the jokes that happened in our house or with our family. We have three children, and if you're just tuning in, you haven't heard their stories before, but one is 33, one is 30, and one is just 21. So that means that the baby was born when the kids were 9 and 12 years old. Here's the deal. They would tell us constantly, you're not raising her the way you raised us. We have three decades of parenting experience.

8:41 By the way, I had one under the age of 18 in the house for over 30 years. Here's the deal. I grew and matured with time. And so I was able to do that last point, which is really see where I didn't know what in the heck I was doing the first time. So I would make a joke with my, with the big kids, we call them, that there was no rule book and that the fact that they lived past the age of 10 was by the grace of God alone. And so there were mistakes or things that I got hung up on or things I should have done a little bit better. That version 3.0 gave me a chance to correct. But the bottom line is we're speaking from wisdom. It's OK. It feels intimidating to show weakness to your children, but it's not showing weakness when you've made a mistake and you can model to them better behavior. You can model to them and that's just it.

9:31 Oh, shoot. That was pretty impulsive. I probably shouldn't have snapped at you like that. Most of the time this happens as parents is that really when you're trying to meet a deadline, like getting the kids to school, getting them to work on time, or you're exhausted after a long, you know, 10, 12 hour day. And we're going to, yeah, and there's a piece of that that actually in the next episode we're going to talk about the importance of sleep. But here's the bottom line. It's okay and it's vital. It's valuable when you have snapped unnecessarily at maybe your spouse, your partner. You've snapped at one of the children to go, okay, I shouldn't have done that. Or you hung up on a phone call and you were obviously super angry and they could hear you snapping at the person on the other end of the call or whatever it is. Here's a big one.

10:22 Driving your car down the street. Some of our least valuable behaviors tend to come out when we're driving cars. Your kids are watching though. I can't reiterate that enough. And they're modeling what they see. So if you swore, if you got angry, if you did something while you were someone cutting you off or whatever, it's okay to go, you know what? Probably was a couple other ways I could have handled that. That person might be having a bad day. I should probably not have snapped just because maybe they didn't see me. Maybe they didn't mean to be rude. Because what we're teaching our kids is self-control when they see us.

11:02 And sometimes it's through our mistakes they see the most. You know what's important, though, is I recognize you're a human being, and you do make mistakes, OK? So in that moment where maybe you said something you shouldn't have, take a deep breath. Hold it for about three seconds. Let it out and say, well, a better way for me to handle that would have been this. I like to always, I don't know if Bryan started it or didn't, but we used to always tell the kids there are five other ways you can handle that situation. And I often say that when I'm the one that blew it, because it's saying to them, I had choices. I could have had more self-control. There are a couple of different ways I could have handled that. And I don't think the one I chose was the best.

11:42 Or if you think that maybe you just modeled, let's just flip that. You modeled a really good example. You could have said there were probably three ways to handle that situation. I'm pretty proud of that and pointed out now in the same vein when they do that. That's another very important part of the conversation because you hit pause and you ask that same question. Meltdowns. Let's talk about that. Let's just talk a moment about child meltdowns. OK, we have three and our. Middle child is currently our calmest child. She is the under the radar. She was our first one. We probably didn't have only one. We told her this story.

12:22 We're not saying anything behind her back. She wouldn't know, but she told us to her face. She was a schemer. She was. I think she got it. All the screaming out by about four. Kind of a visual here. The classic grocery store. You're walking down the aisle and the child starts screaming, right? Not just a little scream, but like blood curdling. Like someone's getting murdered type of screaming and it won't stop, right? She's not injured. Doesn't have a bellyache. There's nothing wrong. Just the fact that one thing that kids can't control. And it's funny because when they're babies, they're cute. Oh, they're crying. How cute that is.

13:05 Oh. But they learn over time that they control their voice and they control the reactions of all the people around them. Well, share one of our favorite Julie stories. So going back to Julie, she had figured out that the screaming thing kind of gives her what she wants, at least she thought. And so we go to Costco, we had the screaming hallway. It wasn't bad until we got home. In the car and started screaming. And then she decided she didn't even want to walk in the house. She's going to lay across the doorway of the garage door. Your garage door is automatically closed. Yeah, they have that spring walk thing that forces them to go close. So we put some laundry soap in front of it so it wouldn't close and we let her just lay there and scream.

13:47 She flopped like a fish. Yeah. And now she was about... She was literally laying on the ground, screaming at the top of her lungs. Was she about three years old? Probably three to four. That means Tim, our oldest, about six, seven years old. So we downloaded the whole car. Wait, I'm gonna stop. Tim was our quiet kid when he was young. He was our lead. Yeah, he was an easy first born in that regard. So he's just looking at us. He's just looking at her. Looking at us. Is she okay? No, she's fine. She's just screaming. So he was kind of used to it. So we literally unpacked the car. Yep. One bag and box from Costco at a time. Keep in mind, she's laying in the doorway, kind of waddling around, screaming as we're skipping over her, putting away groceries. We're not seeing a word to her.

14:27 We're just letting her do her thing. And then we thought maybe like five minutes later, no, no, 30 minutes later of screaming. We're literally sitting in the kitchen, shaking with a glass, trying to drink. Our little beverage. And at the time it was like tea and we should have upgraded the beverages. She finally came walking down the hallway with her blankie rubbing it and she wasn't screaming and we just looked at her and said, are you done? And here is the part. She had her meltdown. She made a decision that wasn't exactly beneficial to herself or to anybody else in the family. Our ears are ringing. So we had a choice at that point. The choice is screaming yell at her and telling her what you did was Unacceptable, because by the way, our nerves were afraid.

15:12 But one thing that we had learned with Juliana, because she was a screamer, is when it was all over, she had to come join the family. We weren't having a snack at the table. We were having yummy food we just bought at Costco. And she had to get her behavior together and make a decision to be in control. To join the family. And we could go on and we're not going to. Of all the different stories of Juliana. No, let me just tell you how we handled that. So a couple of ways we handled it. One time she was screaming and we said this is a non-screaming area. So you can go in your room. You can scream as much as you want. You come back out here we're going to be as a family we're not screaming so she would walk away she'd scream for a long time and then she would come out and notice that we were watching a movie having popcorn everyone was doing whatever playing a board game whatever and she had to make a decision and eventually what happened is with maturity she did discover that it was a little bit easier to participate in the family environment she had to learn self-control because she had become self-aware that she was choosing her reaction, right?

16:18 She's choosing that not to have control, and so we basically said to her, here it is, look at what you're doing, and now you have a choice. And what that vote was trust, though. And it comes back down to that trust thing. How did it build trust? Because she could trust that when she needed to have her meltdown, for whatever reason, her little Toddler self needed to have one that she would be loved when it was over and that the conversation would lead itself to the family coming back together. She was an easy teenager by the way. She was an easy after four-year-old by the way. But that's an example of helping build trust and it's because there's no judgment in trust. Trust is that I'm going to be loved.

17:01 She knew that the routine was going to be there. She knew we were going to keep our promise and and then she watched us fix our mistakes and allowed her to fix hers. So trust. Trust is really important. So self-control is the ability to manage impulses, emotions, and behavior. So learning that self-control and learning that she could manage her desire to scream, her emotions of crying and screaming, and the behavior of a wolf. And that moves into the next one. I want to move on. So building an environment of trust. She trusted that she could act that way and would still be loved. Number two is motivation. So there has to be a way that you motivate your child to move forward.

17:43 You motivate yourself. This is true. I mean, I speak in parenting terms, but really it goes in anywhere. Maybe you're trying to motivate somebody you work with with control or maybe it's your partner. I don't know, but motivation, control, self-control sticks when a child has a reason to feel like they own. The decision-making process. They own the behavior. They own what comes from that. So external motivation can sometimes help. They like to be praised. They like to feel loved. For Julie, it became there would be a bit of a reward if she could control that behavior when she saw it coming on.

18:23 And it doesn't have to be a huge thing, but it needs to be something, a way that you can find a way to motivate them. And maybe self-control isn't always about a scream of behavior. Maybe you've got a kiddo that loves to start things and never finishes them. Or maybe you have a child who doesn't trust, doesn't make friends easy and build trust amongst other people. Maybe you'll have one that, that has a lot of fears to try things. And so motivating is coming up with phrases and finding a way to encourage them and reward them when you see them actually go out on a limb for them and take that risk and adjust the behavior.

19:10 Well, impulse control is one of those things. So being able to control actual decision rather than just, why did you do that? Well, I don't know. I just did it. Well, let's think through that and let's think of another way you could have that, right? Well, plus it's an activity, like if you want to, well, maybe you're playing a board game. I'm going to use that as an example. Okay. And you've got the child who just wants their turn. It's my turn again. Or they want to move things where they get mad and they smack it and bounce everybody's pieces everywhere. And so that's where the conversation is. Yeah. Okay. That probably wasn't a good choice for everybody. Would you give them the option, the motivation? Would you like to stay in the game? Yeah, and to keep playing.

19:50 Great. Well, then you have to. Wait your turn. Maybe you need to sit on your hands when it's not your turn so that you don't move everybody else's pieces on the board. And then comes the most important piece that if they don't, they have to leave the game. They're not going to like that very much, but that's that's the boundary you set. But the motivation is, oh, I can get a reward if you can make it through our entire grocery store trip without screaming and whining for something. You know, I'll let you pick one item while we're shopping. And when we get in the car, I'll let you have a snack with it. And so now there's the motivation. All the way to the checkout line. If you don't say anything, you don't scream, you don't whine, you'll go back to wherever you want to go in the store.

20:35 Or it's, you tell me right now, what's your, what, before we go into the store, what is one thing you want, you would love if mommy would buy? I want, I want bubble gum. Okay. Mommy will buy bubble gum if we make it all the way through the store and you behave yourself and then you can have a piece of bubble gum. Naming the benefit and the child's language is so important. That's huge. Yeah, that's it. What is it that they, what is it that will help them? And then once they do that, it's not just about getting that piece of bubble gum. It's about telling them, do you know why you're getting this piece of bubble gum? Do you know what amazing thing you just did? That beats because I've said so all day long. I think that's a huge one. You know, one of the things I used to say to our kids, I would explain everything to them. You know, the bedtime drama.

21:19 I don't want to go to bed. I wouldn't just say it's time to go to bed because I said so. I would say, well, you know what? Every little cell in your body. Is trying to grow right now. And did you know that one day you're going to be, we tell my son, he didn't want to go to bed. Julie never wanted to go to bed. She was so sure she was going to miss out on the party. And I would say, do you want to be taller than mommy one day? Do you want to be smarter than mommy one day? All the little cells in your brain are trying to grow right now. And if you get good sleep. Every night. One day you could be taller than mommy, smarter than mommy, you know, all these different things you could be. What do you dream to become? And give them a goal and a reason why they're laying their head down and they have to end all the fun of the day instead of just because I told you so.

22:01 And then sometimes I would laugh and say, and plus I told you so. And then they would understand, well, she is the authority figure, but. They had a reason to accompany the I Told You So. Your body repairs itself during sleep. And that's motivation right there. It motivates them. So they just really need to understand why you're doing it. So you have trust and you have motivation. Let's talk about repetitive practice, okay? It's a skill. Self-control is a skill. Self-control is a skill for me as an adult. And I'm going to give a really good example. If you've watched any of this, you've heard us share the fact that we're real litters. And then over the year of my book being published, our podcast being launched, and all that we're doing, we've sold our realistic company.

22:43 And we're in the process of transitioning to this platform being what we're working on in our, quote, retirement. And it needs a very different schedule. And I am the kind of person that just has to see everything. I mean, the brightly colored post-it notes on the cover of my book are there for a reason. I have color code, and I have to make notes, and I have to do things. And if you just say, sit down and get some stuff done today, I don't have the self -control to do it. And so Mr. Photographic Memory here looks at something once, processes it completely, and is working on it in a chronological order at one glance. I have to have my pile for this and my pile for this and I'm very creative but I don't have the self-control to flow through a day without a plan and so I have to sit there and I have to make it a skill so I time block and I color code and I do things and by the end of the day I will accomplish much.

23:40 You do an amazing job with that. Why thank you. I will accomplish much but it's a skill that I have to learn and it's not any different for whatever somebody's behaviors or impulses or emotions are you need to you need to train them. So I want to point out something real quickly which is this be on the lookout for good behavior. Yeah, that's that's so a lot of times we just recognize the bad behavior and what you're doing by does you just reinforcing it. If you're on the lookout for good behavior and the fact that they did have self-control or they did do what they were supposed to do on their own accord without you asking. Recognize that. Make a big deal about that.

24:22 Give them a post-it award like, hey, here's a little happy face post-it note. I'm so happy that you did that. You're amazing. And that reinforces the positive behaviors in the kids' behaviors. Absolutely. There's so many ways to do that. He says that, and I think of about 10 different things we used to do. It's just that it's so important for them to know how important the good is. That's number one. And number two, we have to practice it not when they're in the middle of the meltdown or not when they're in the middle of the chaos or especially not when they've just... Sometimes not when they've just made a bad decision because they know when they haven't had self-control. So it's one of those things that can be a family activity, it can be if you want to run with that child, but it's let's talk about let's practice sitting still.

25:11 And right then they're sitting still so it's a very easy thing to practice. Why is it important when we're in our classroom? Because maybe you know that you've got a note from the teacher that they fidget and they move around all day long and they're not staying in their seat. So you have a time where they're sitting and doing something very complacently at home and you say, hey, let's practice being still for five minutes. Oh, okay. And you find it very easy. I'm going to set a timer. Okay. Did five minutes seem like a really long time? No. Okay and then you talk about why that behavior is important in all the places they could practice that behavior but you do it at times where they're in a good place because I know when I'm in a bad mood and he wants to talk about something that might be correcting a behavior I'm gonna be like do not talk to me right now actually I probably would say things I would say on camera about do not do that right now but the bottom line is I have to be in a good place and when I'm in a good place is a great time to talk about.

26:04 When you're talking to your kids, one of the things you want to keep in mind is your tone of voice is so important, right? So, you know, typically parents raise their voices louder and they get more intense with their conversation as they're trying to instruct children and the children shut down when that happens. So what you want to do is keep your voice instructional in tone so that as you are Educating them on the behaviors that they have choices on and the things that they want to see change and the control that they want to have self-control on. Just give them an instructional tone and they will recognize that they're being taught something rather than being yelled at with something.

26:48 That's huge. That's huge. It's all... It can't, everything can't be punitive because they are growing and learning. We can get frustrated because it doesn't fit into our, when they, when they yell or they snap and they talk back and they talk back in front of somebody and you're like embarrassed by it, it's very easy to shift to a punitive place. Here's a real secret guys. Behavior needs to, wait, hold on, behavior needs to be addressed, but it needs to be addressed appropriately. That's what I was going to say. Go ahead. The secret is this, both the kids and the parents want a loving family. Oh yeah. That's the secret. Everybody wants the same thing. Yeah, so there's ways to work on it. And it's making game out of things, too. Because ways to, maybe it's not the biggest issue, but like here's an example.

27:34 Teaching them to stop and be thoughtful to anybody, thoughtfulness in general. One way to do it, like for example, is nobody starts eating until everybody is seated and at the table. And so you're a little one that's super hungry. They just came in from soccer practice and everybody else is like, you know, older brother and sister are taking their time to come in from homework and doing whatever. And everybody waits until everybody is seated. And then you say, ready, go. And now everybody can eat. And for the one that's been waiting the longest, that's huge. It just taught. That they weren't going to die in the process of waiting to be patient. Be respectful. And if prayer is something that your family does before a meal, then that's what you say. Nobody eats.

28:15 Nobody takes a single tater tot off the plate. And so we say grace. And if that's what you do, then they learn that they're not going to perish. Is it okay to sit by the glass? I don't know. But you have to establish your family rules. And you come up with that with everything that you do. And it's just pick a regular activity. The car doesn't move until everybody's seatbelt is on. The person who's really got to get the kid that needs to get to school quickest because they've got to talk to their teacher or whatever is going to make sure everybody's being responsible. Just set those activities, make them regular, and it teaches everybody self-control. So we have talked about and we've talked about the fact that it's really, really, really super important to motivate our kids.

29:00 We talked about that repetitive practice now. Let's talk about what I think is one of the most important, ready? Role modeling by parents. And I can't say enough that your kids are watching everything you do. They are watching everything you do. And so they're going to copy what they see more than they're going to do what they're told. They're going to copy what they see more than they're going to do what they're told, and that's super huge. So you've got to watch it. I mean, we talked a little bit earlier about that, you know, that unfortunate four letter word that came out of your mouth when you got cut off on the highway or you found out. That's the one, crud.

29:41 And you have to, you have to think about what they're seeing. And if you can, what I always call think-alouts. Think aloud. I want to answer that text that just came in, but I need to finish what I'm doing first. Teaches patience. Oh my God, I got a text back. Run away. Or everything's going to fall apart. No, there's not that. It's that they hear your phone ding and they're like, Mom, your phone just went off. Yes, I know, but I need to finish what I'm doing first. It teaches thoughtfulness. Going back to the car example to think aloud would be here I'm driving and just got cut off. I'm super angry. I am very angry right now that that car cut us off.

30:24 I had to hit the brakes really hard and you guys got thrown around the seat. But you know what I'm going to do? I am not going to say that four letter word crud out loud, even though I want to scream it on top of my lungs. And you're just talking out loud what you're thinking in your mind and what that does is it helps the kids process. Wow. I can think about things and not just react to things. Well, I mean. I'm gonna I'm gonna throw this out there. You know, sometimes you get out with extended family. Maybe you have that cousin, that aunt, that uncle, your mom and your dad that tends to push your buttons and your kids see it and know it. And so. The way you handle that is when you're at the family dinner party, at the Christmas party, at your cousin's birthday party, and those kinds of obnoxious things. And you know your kids are watching that.

31:12 You find a very polite way to respond shock. Shocking me, pleasant behavior. And then later have a conversation like the kind that you would say, you know, there were some things today that drove me crazy. Maybe you saw them, but I made choices that were good self-control. I wasn't impulsive. I wasn't rude. I was kind. All of those things are going to matter because when they're on the playground at first recess and somebody says something really rude to them, they're going to think, oh, I don't need to push them, bully them, be obnoxious back because just like my mom did with Ann, Judy, I need to be kind. And so whatever it is, you need to make sure you're modeling that. And then sometimes you have to, it's back to the think-aloud.

31:52 You have to point it out. Yeah. You have to point it out. It gives them a skill that they can actually process that emotion and it gives them the ability to make a choice. Whereas before there was just a reaction. And I think Bryan mentioned this before, and I think it's really huge. Our tone of voice. We can say, that's fine. That's just fine. And we're ready to blow. Or we can say, that's fine. That's just fine. Or we can smile, which is even better. Go, that's fine. That's just fine. We'll work through it. Each one of those shows some self-control, but when we watch how we talk, watch how we reprimand. It's the time and a place for everything that's super important.

32:37 Because please, don't get us wrong, we're not saying your child might not need to have some repercussions for a behavioral choice that they made. There are always consequences for our actions. There is definitely a time and a place to deal with that and a way to deal with it that's going to have a more lasting impact. They do expect the yelling and screaming. They expect the anger. It is human nature to go to the negative before the positive. It's the way our brains are wired and if you can find a way to deal with that with great disappointment. Now I have to give my parents credit for this. I remember Bryan meeting my parents and thinking this was wild and crazy because he had yelling screaming parents. He did. I had I had the disappointed parents.

33:19 And oh my gosh, you know, he would watch, he would watch how things happen and he'd be like, why are you so mad at me or my dad's so mad at me? I'm like, really? They didn't say a word. I know they didn't mean to say a word. That is one thing my parents taught me that we turned around and brought into our own parenting. Our kids will tell you they were always more afraid of disappointing us than they were of getting in trouble with us because we chose the path that said the conversation's coming. And it will be calm, but it will happen. And when it happens, it will be about what wasn't right and how we're going to fix it and what you're going to, the price you need to pay for a decision you made. But it wasn't about the screaming.

34:01 And that's super important because that is modeling too. If you don't want them to pop off, you can't yell at them and say, you're not allowed to do that impulsive behavior when you're being angry and impulsive. All the kids here is a screaming. And my parents screamed at me never what the content was or never what the argument was about. So true. So they just hear the screaming and they don't hear the actual words. That can happen between partners too. When I'm trying to get a point across to him, you're not listening to me with my evil monster voice. He's not listening because I'm being too loud. Where if I say it in a passive, quiet voice, I know the point gets across.

34:43 I've got his full attention. So it's just important. That's a role modeling thing that's important. So we have, we have the trust, the motivation, repetitive practice and role modeling. And I think this is super important. It's called implementation intention. Implementation intention. And really the quickest, easiest way to remember it, it's the if-then. If-then. If-then. Bottom line, if something happens, then this is what I should do. And here's a very simple one. If I get up in the morning and it's super cold up, then I should wear a sweater or coat when I leave the house. Basic if-then implementation intention we put into place, okay? You know, if I have homework, then I'm going to sit down and do it when there will be problems. That's a very basic if-then situation.

35:31 But we need to help teach our kids implementation intention when certain circumstances come up. We did talk about this in another episode, but we're going to revisit it here. You want to build a plan with a child when everyone is calm. So, for example, we used the cart cutting off example. So rather than being in the car and being cut off, why don't you sit at the dinner table together and say, okay. I just got cut off by a car. What are the choices that I have? And let them come up with solutions, right? So that they're creating solutions and say, okay, now let's reverse it. Now you're on the playground and something happens, someone takes away your ball or whatever. How can you respond to that? So if this happens, then that, and then you can role play those scenarios with them before they ever really live it.

36:17 Well, and what's really important, and that's excellent, and what's really super important about the then, okay? What do you mean? If somebody pushes you on the playground, you need to be nicer. Be nicer means nothing. Be nicer than the bully. Be nicer than I was yesterday. You need to very specifically say if somebody pushes me unnecessarily on the playground. I'm going to step back. I'm going to count to five and I'm going to say and then you come up with that really wasn't very nice and didn't appreciate it or I sure maybe maybe maybe you were upset and that made you feel better.

36:58 I hope that made you feel better. I'm not going to fight with you. I hope you feel better because I don't want to hurt you. Right. That would have been right. I don't want to hurt you man. But the bottom line is you you you come up with an if then that is specific because Vagueness isn't going to help your child have skills. Nobody wants to have vague skills. They want to have specific skills, so it's super, super important. And you broke it all the way through those. And then you come up with small steps. Small steps. If something negative, somebody bullied you, that happens to kids all the time, right? Breathe. Take a breath. Then put your hands in your pocket.

37:39 You know, if your brother stole your toy rather than being the big brother, you smack him and say, that's my toy. And then he comes crying. And then who's in trouble? Big brother got in trouble because little brother, he hit me. You're the big brother. You should know better. We've all been through those circumstances. Breathe twice. Put your hands in your pocket. Walk into the kitchen. Use a single sentence to tell me, Mom, I'm super mad because little Joshy just took my toy. Whatever it is. And then you work through it from there. So you give small steps, okay? And I mean, I have some examples written down here. I'm just going to share them. If I want a shot at the store, I'll squeeze your hand and then whisper, Mommy, I really want bubble gum.

38:22 Okay. It sounds silly, but now. The quiet I really want bubble gum is a lot easier to address than the screaming. So you come up with a method. Okay. If homework feels too big, then set a five minute timer and take a, take a walk around the house, play with a toy, draw a picture, then take a deep breath and go back. If then. Okay. If I lose the game and I want to dump the whole monopoly board over because I'm so bad, I can write. I am angry. And posting it on the table. Something. I can draw an unhappy face. I have the right to draw an unhappy face or an unhappy picture because I wanted to win and I didn't.

39:06 Sometimes we may have run to the fence and back. You have a lot of energy, run to the fence and back. Right? What do you mean? They run to the fence and back. So they do that and they come back down. I'm tired now. Okay. Then you're not going to flip the board over. Right? Simple things. Get the energy out. And by the way, our children lived and survived and are very, very productive adults and love us and love each other very much. It's so, I mean, I've got to focus out there. If you're listening and you're all into digital parenting, which is not going to do anything but leave a, leave a 35 year old living in your garage one day. I just really think it's important if you want to develop. Children who are strong adults one day.

39:48 You have to put into place these common sense values that make sense and self control is one of them. So to close up today, it's super important that when a child is growing up, they push through the hard moments and they grow and they change because of them. OK, confidence grows when they're successful and calmness grows when they have a safe and predictable home where they know what's going to happen, where they're motivated, encouraged. Handed tools that are going to help them have control of their emotions and their day and their attitude, okay? If it's wet and it's not yours, don't touch it. Don't touch it. Easy to remember, but if you need to come up with another mantra that works better for your family, create one that's easy for kids to remember, put that into place, and then as a family, create a home that lives by that.

40:40 I want to say thank you very much, guys. We see a lot of guys sharing this out and we say thank you for that. You have the families in mind that you know that can benefit from this. Absolutely. We appreciate that very much. Please like and subscribe to this. You know, if you're watching this, it's because you're on our YouTube channel and we've got all kinds of stuff happening on our YouTube channel. I have a blog. You can link to the blog. You can take a look at what I talk about in small little sound bites on parenting. If you are listening to this on Spotify. You can go to our site, livingbythemantras.com. You can find out about the book. Good book. Well, if you go to the blog and you subscribe, you get a free sample. Oh yeah, there is that.

41:21 You get a free sample. Five mantras to live by. And the book is available on Amazon. You'll find the links. But most importantly, it's really important if you are a parent or know parents who are struggling with bringing their children to a place that makes the whole family work together in unity. Join our channel and join our stuff. Or if you're a homeschool group and you want to do something about this topic, feel free to reach out to Colleen because she does that regularly. Yeah, so please, please, please, please keep hanging on and tune in next time because we're going to take the second half of this and give you a real tool kit to hand your kit. Oh, I love tools. Yeah, I know you do. We'll see you next time guys.

42:02 Bye. You've been listening to Living by the Mantras, where sticky sayings and real parenting talk help values land at home. What's your mantra? Practical parenting wisdom, humor, and purpose for an extraordinary family life. If you got something useful today, follow, rate, and share so other moms and dads can find their mantra too. New episodes regularly. Visit our free blog and get five free mantras at livingbythemantras.com slash blog.